Underhand

Pikachu took a long drag from his cigarette. “Yeh ever seen a man’s brains melt from inside his head?” he pauses, his glassy eyes staring at the space between. At something that I could never see. Something I never would WANT to see.

I shift uncomfortably in my chair, the tape recorder still running. The pause goes on far too long. I start to answer when he speaks up again.

“Me and Jiggs was partners see?” He puffs on his cig. Ash falls. “Chief says We’ve gotta take this rookie out on assignment, get his feet wet and all that shit.” He tosses the depleted butt and lights another with his cheek.

He sighs. “Kid was a fresh-faced pantywaist straight out of the academy. Couldn’t have been more’n 22 or 23. Couldn’t wait to work with vets like me and Jiggs.” Pikachu trails off. His eyes staring to the right.

“What was the assignment?” I ask, fidgeting with my pen.

He looks at me. Dead in the eye. I have a hard time maintaining eye contact.

He continues. “Some Kadabra is fucking up a park. Some chucklefuck trainer just cut the sad bastard loose and he couldn’t take the rejection. “

Pikachu sighed again. “So me an Jiggs an the rook get down there and it’s just chaos. Shit flying everywhere. The trainer that let em go? Dead. Lamp post straight through her chest. Blood everywhere. Just bedlam. There was this Totodile that had his-“ he cut himself off. Clearly remembering something that no-one should see.

Thick smoke blew out of his tiny nostrils as he exhaled. “So we take standard psychic protection protocol. Don’t look directly at them. Think about unpleasant shit, you know. The works.”

I didn’t know. I pressed him on it.

“They don’t tell you pencil pushers nothin do they?” He snorted derisively. “You think about all the bad shit you can so they don’t read your mind. Can’t get in there if you cloud em out with nasty shit.”

I was about to ask him what unpleasant thoughts he would have been thinking about when he continued his retelling of the events.

“So this Kadabra is just throwing psybeams left and right. Jiggs and I approach from the side, getting ready to soften him up a little for capture. Thank Mew we remembered the Ultra balls. This crazy heartbroken fucker wasn’t going down with no Great ball.”

He grins for the first time since the interview started, clearly proud of himself.

“The whole thing is going by the book. I zapped his ass with a little thundershock, Jiggs starts her lullaby.” He was still grinning. “Jiggs and I. We was great partners. She always had my back. I always had hers.” He stares off again.

I recall seeing detective Jiggs’ name on the memorial wall. I decide to ask about her later.

He jumps. Looking nervously around the room. He’s twitchy. Like a common strung out Rattata. He starts to relax.

“You were telling me about the Kadabra incident?” I say patiently.

“Yeah. Yeah…” he puffs his cig. “So I’m thinking we’ve got this psychic psychopath in the bag.” He exhales. “That’s when it all got Jynxed up.”

Another pause.

“The rook had the Ultra balls, see? The perp had his back to him and everything. But he thinks he’s gonna catch a fully pissed off Kadabra with an underhand throw? The stupid bastard missed. The ball pinged loudly on the ground. Just like that the perp whirled on him. Jiggs’ hypnosis wears off instantly. The Kadabra stares straight into the rook’s eyes.”

The found that I was leaning forward. I was on the edge of my seat.

Pikachu looked down, tears in his eyes.

“There was nothing I could do. Nothing we could do.”

He stubbed out his cigarette. He was angry now. He stood his chair. There was a pronounced static charge in the air.

“Rook should have known not to throw underhand! He should have just followed the protocol! He coulda made it! He coulda still been alive!”

Pikachu slumped down. Dejected.

“The Kadabra lifted him up. Suspending him in the air. The poor kid took a full psybeam to the face. His… brains and blood and eyes… all of it just dripping out his ears…” A solitary tear dropped from Pikachu’s face, splattering on the cement floor. “The screams…” he sobbed. “He screamed the whole time. Had to have just been a reflex at some point cause there weren’t much left of him.”

I sat in my chair. Pen no longer fidgeting. I felt nauseous.

He wiped his eyes. “Me an Jiggs tried to save em. We blasted that fucker with everything we had. Thunder, mega punch, everything. It was way too late for the rookie when the bastard finally went down. Jiggs didn’t even have to throw the damn ball. Just walked up and punched the fucker in the face with it.”

Pikachu tapped out another cigarette. His hands clearly shaking this time.

“So you ask me if I’ve seen some shit?” He lit the cig. “That answer your question?”

——

This is a work of fiction. I do not own the characters and all rights, trademarks, etc are the property of Nintendo, Game Freak, and The Pokémon Company.

Also, it’s a parody. So like, chill if it gets your Rufflets in a bunch.

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